my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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