I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Just high enough for therapy.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
