i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
