How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
you had me at cake vodka
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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