Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
