Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
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