names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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