im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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