I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
The cops high fived after they tackled you
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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