Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
