People in love make me want to vomit
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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