How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
