I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
