You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
