the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
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