I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
