I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
