Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
