just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I'm experimenting with sincerity
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
