Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
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