Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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