What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
