Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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