Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
We smell like vodka and hangover
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