He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
