got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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