I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Randomize
