how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
