And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize