Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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