my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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