She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Randomize
