I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
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