i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
