You made me cry and you don't even care
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize