I haven't been this sober since birth.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
