Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Randomize
