I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Randomize
