My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
