I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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