I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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