I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
i out mim tonsoeep
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