Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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