I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
