she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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