What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize