Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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