I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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