Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
