Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
