Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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