i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
