But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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