I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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