Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
