in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
