Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize