Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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