I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
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