genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
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