just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Randomize
