started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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