The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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